The Varkas Brothers And Their Princess novel Chapter 147

Chapter 147

“He’s appearing in my dreams often these days,” I muttered, any sign of a joke gone, and that stupid, fucking weight was back on my chest again. I didn’t need to tell her who, because she knew everything, from A to Z.

“Did any major change happen lately?” she asked, her voice sharp and professional. “Or even a minor change is acceptable.”

I raised my right hand and showed her my ring finger. Her eyes widened when she saw my ring, but I just waved that look away. “We got married for business. Our fathers arranged this marriage. None of us had a choice.” I paused, swallowing. “But…”

My words trailed off, hanging in the air, heavy and suffocating.

“But?” Lucia pressed, an eyebrow raised.

I swallowed again, scratching my fingers. Why the fuck was it so hard to voice out?

“Take your time, Belladonna,” Lucia said, her voice soft and reassuring and I nodded, drawing in a deep breath before I continued.

“But things have changed between us. T–Things have grown soft between us. At first, it was back and forth between us. He hated me. I knew he did. I took his life away, and he gained nothing in return, while I gained everything. So of course he hated me. But we had sex a couple of times and opened up to each other, and things have changed between us.”

I turned on the couch and lay down, resting my head on the armrest and looking up at the ceiling, and I was… smiling.

“He acts cold, but he’s actually soft and tender. He has this cold look in his eyes but his voice is soft whenever he speaks to me, and that ice in his eyes melts away. It’s been this way for a while, and I don’t think he even knows. I don’t think he knows that he’s let his guard down around me. That was what I wanted from the start, Lucia, but why can’t I bring myself to enjoy and just accept it?”

“Why do you think, Belladonna?” Lucia asked, her voice gentle. And she doesn’t sound like a therapist right now, but she sounds more like a friend listening to her friend vent.

“Because…” I swallowed again as if that would give me the courage to speak. “Because the guilt has been heavy lately. Because I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like what I deserve is to suffer for what I did.”

“And what did you do?”

“I killed someone.”

“Was it you that pulled the trigger?”

My eyes burned and I had to close them. “N–no.”

“Then was it you that ordered that he be killed?”

My throat grew tight and I had to stop breathing. “No…”

14:33 Mon, Oct 67

Chapter 147

“Did you want him to die?”

And now it was my chest and it felt like my whole system was shouting down. “No. I loved him.”

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Then why must you suffer for it? You both agree not to let go, right? You both agree to be there for each other, right?”

Even as I closed my eyes, and as I stopped breathing, and as it felt like my system was shutting down, the tears still silently flowed out.

I haven’t cried for two weeks, or felt the urge to, but that must be because I’ve been slamming everything behind a metal wall and keeping it locked up.

“Yes,” I whispered, my voice shaking, my tears staining my lips and coating my tongue with its salitness. “Yes, we both agreed not to let go.”

“So why do you have to suffer, Bella, when it’s not your fault?”

I covered my face as my tears flowed harder. “But… but it’s my fault.”

“How? Is it your fault because you loved him? Or is it your fault because you came from a rich family? How is it your fault, Bella? Tell me.”

“I don’t know,” I choked out. “I don’t know, Lucia. But if it’s not my fault, then why has he been torturing me in my sleep?”

“That’s all on you, Bella,” she answered, her voice even softer and I knew she was about to deal the finishing blow. “That’s your consciousness speaking. That’s your guilt manifesting and taking his form to keep you down. It has nothing to do with Lucia and has everything to do with you. When you finally let go of all that negative feeling and finally decide to move on, that’s when you’ll spread your wings and fly, free from your nightmares and all negative thoughts. Do you understand me, Belladonna? You’re the one holding yourself down, because you’re not letting go of your guilt. Because you’re still stuck in the past. Luca loved you and knew what he was getting into. Even though things were getting too far, he still didn’t let go because he knew the type of shit that he was getting into.”

She paused to catch her breath, her voice firm. “So it’s all on you, Belladonna. It depends on whether you’re ready to let go or not. It depends on whether you’re ready to seek happiness. This Kade, you speak of him with such weight and with a smile on your face. Do you really want this to slip out of your grasp?”

***

After the session ended, I was drained mentally, and all I wanted was to just go home, but I still had a lot of work in the office and so I went back there.

So I was currently sitting at my office, mountains of documents piled up on my desk.

Seriously? I just left for an hour and now I have this much work?

But even as I worked, reviewing and signing documents, I couldn’t get what Lucia said out of my mind.

Do you really want this to slip out of your grasp?

14:33 Mon, Oct 6

Chapter 147

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